24/8/2017 3 Comments Bertie is 5....My Baby Boy turned 5, I have no idea where those 5 years have gone! With everything thats happening I didn't plan a party or any of the other little things I normally would as I never know how I am going feel. Thanks to my Mum and Kerry I managed to throw a little after noon tea party for him and he had the best day. My day was over shadowed by a cloud, well more like a thunderstorm of anxiety deafening me with it claps of 'what if i don't make his 6th birthday' I'm usually very good at pulling myself out of that dark place but I find it nearly impossible when I think of my children losing me. It's really getting to me and I hold it in because the fear I feel is a physical grip on my wind pipe and it is strangling the life out of me. Thankfully I have the most amazing people around me. Kevin always brings me back with his love, I'm not in this alone. This is our fight we share everything in life and that includes the pain and fear. Despite the thunderstorm nearly ruining my day I did have a moment where I looked round at my family and friends and sighed a little 'we've got this' I looked at my boy in all his birthday glory and my heart melted. My children bring me so much happiness, I am a very lucky lady. I had had a few Kir Royales so obviously that means we go to the club house! Pretty sure it was my bright/stupid idea to get the pink sambucas in....... In true embarrassing parent style we all got the dance floor making complete tits out of ourselves. Being women tho we know our limit-ish and sat out the boys version of whoops up side your head and Saturday night!! And then the most cliché cringe beautiful full of love moment happened. Fight Song came on. Like a scene out of a shit movie we all sang it at the tops of our lungs meaning every word more then we've meant anything in our lives. Even tho everyone was very merry it was just perfection and completely what I needed! I needed to rival the loudness of my own thoughts and I did!! I do have a lot of fight left in me.
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18/8/2017 8 Comments To wig or not to wig?This week has been full of firsts. The thing that blows my mind is I never feel how I thought I would. The day I went for my wig fitting I had an idea in my head that I'd pick something funky and bit outrageous. I'm used to having crazy hair and assumed I'd use this hairless opportunity to be just as creative. We tried a few different styles and colours but it was a brunette fringed bobbed wig that won. I have been that colour and had that haircut. It wasn't what I had when I lost my hair it had been nearly 5 years ago after having Bertie but it felt familiar, like an old friend. I was completely overwhelmed, I couldn't register how I was feeling. I put my head scarf back on and we left. When I showed the kids my new wig Bertie asked has your hair grown back now? The disappointment in his face when I said no was hard to take. I'm comfortably bald at home and in front of my friends and family and I actually really like my head scarves. What I wasn't anticipating was just how self conscious the wig made me. We had gone shopping and I had a bit of a funny turn so I took my scarf off and sat in the car once I felt better I went in another shop with Mum with nothing on my head. Apart from a few sympathetic looks no one battered an eyelid. I was shocked at how ok I felt about it, I just bared my soul and head and it was ok. I felt good. The next day we went out for lunch and I thought I'd wear my wig, I had done bald in public so lets get the wig out of the way! Again if I had to guess how I would have felt in this situation I would have put money on me never going bald in public and being most comfortable in my wig. From the moment I put the wig on I was on high alert. I was worried it would be itchy or hot but it wasn't it was actually really comfortable. Sadly I didn't feel comfortable I felt more vulnerable and exposed then I ever have being bald. It was so hard to explain how I was feeling as yet again my feelings were the total opposite of what I thought they would be. Everyone complimented me and I know myself its a good wig BUT why did I feel so sad? Why am I more comfortable being bald? A teary heart to heart with Mum that night led me to the answer. I have just accepted I am ill. I have accepted my baldness. The wig made me feel like I was hiding that. 15/8/2017 7 Comments I am Blessed.....I've been without the trusty laptop for over a week so I've been in my own head more then I like to be. Cycle 2 is done and dusted and has brought a new set of issues to me. Cycle 1 I was just so ill and HOT!! This time less hot more exhausted and emotional, the less I can do the more emotional I am and not having a writing outlet didn't help. Yes I could have taken pen to paper but my words don't flow as easily. In my pit of despair of feeling very sorry for myself, which I am allowing myself I also had some incredible things happen. Joy and love can still be present even when your feeling really shitty! Good things are happening and I am feeling blessed. Like most families money is tight we have 3 children and it can get hard so I thought I'd look for an evening job, well imagine how I felt when I realised I am actually good for nothing. From a little girl I always knew I wanted to be a Mum and a wife. I was told 'is that all?' I couldn't understand how a job I held so high in regard was seen as less then my worth. I didn't do very well at school, I never really settled anywhere. I attended a nursery 3 separate primary school and 2 high schools, I went under the radar and no one really got to know me...or my love of writing. I never read a book at school but when I left and got a job I noticed all the commuters had books so wanting to be a real adult I took myself to Waterstones and it began! I am no mastermind of literature but I know what I like and enjoy it. That is the key, to always enjoy it. I never understood people who live and die by one thing when the human mind is so big and beautiful. Thats why I've always been a different, my mind is an ever changing prism of shapes and colour. I have an ability to always find the silver lining. I will continue that in my cancer battle. Yes I am angry but I can't let that consume me so I will celebrate and worship all those who have fallen to this disease all who have beaten it and all that are fighting it!! I'll give thanks in a backwards way to this cancer for allowing me to start this blog, I love writing it and I love that people like to read it. When I'm poorly my Instagram is my portal to the world my stories keep me sane and I don't feel lonely. People are reaching out to me, my friends are supporting me my family are carrying me! This isn't a private battle this is a public war! When I roll a head scarf and apply my red lips I'm in warrior mode. I feel fierce. Doors are opening not closing. I'm still unsure who that is in the mirror but I like her and I'm getting used to the new me. I am so blessed for that. 7/8/2017 7 Comments The Shave has been braved...It's off and I'm officially a cancer patient, no hiding it now. Not that I tried to hide it but up until the shave I looked well. It made it very real for me and my loved ones. I really wanted it to be a happy as it could be day I wanted my children there. Unfortunately Mia is on holiday with her Dad at the moment so she got sent a picture. Poor little Lamb it's so much for her to accept and take in but she's surrounded by love, I cant ask for more then that. It's very comforting having the full support of your ex's family. Big love to the Bewicks!! The day it's self was as near to perfect as I could have hoped for. We popped the Champagne at 11am and the sun was shining. There is no sky like a Pagham sky. The caravan is my happy place, it's the only place I ever really want to be, my friends know that between March and October I'm away most weekends the half terms and the whole 6 weeks. My Auntie Marg and Uncle Peter brought a van on Church Farm there over 30 years ago I have loved it all my life. The original Champagne soiree was there. My brothers and Mia grew up there, learnt to swim and ride bikes. I've eaten some of the best food there...I could bore you senseless with all the things I love but the sense of community is my favourite thing. The funny thing is we all live pretty close to each other but we all love the caravan so we do our socialising there! My shave day will be another amazing memory and one I will hold close to my heart. I had people who I was comfortable with to share this awful experience. I had arranged for Rory the Tiger to come to the van to cheer the kids up. Choosing to go bald for someone you love like my Mum and little brother Jack has done is extremely brave having no choice is just that. Some women get to keep their hair and a cold cap was offered but I knew from my support group I would lose mine. So I started to plan in my head how and when I would like to do it and thanks to My amazing Bev, Uncle Karl, my darling friend Lauren they sorted it. Kev did what he does best and got on the BBQ. Kerry brought Cherry Bakewell cake Mandy didn't stop clearing up and boiling the kettle. All hosting duties were taken away from me so I could truly relax and prepare myself. My friend Lolsy came down the day before and I was so happy she got to be with me as she ended up with the clippers. Kevin was due to do it but I could see he was fighting the tears, the realisation was sinking in to him as well. We know I have IBC but like I said I looked so well. Mum and Dad were on video call and so we began. Everything was going so well until Bertie came out and saw. I have explained to him several times what was going to happen but he is only 4. He really cried which made me really cry. My worst fear in life is not being able to protect my children and that fear came to life when I got my diagnosis that fear will continue through out my treatment and surgery. Effys earliest memories and possibly only memories of me are going to be of me sick. I hate that. I hate that much so much it's very hard not to let that hate consume me. It's very hard not to break. I love living so much. It really does help knowing I'm not alone. There is a small IBC community and amazingly thanks to Insta I've found 2 absolute goddesses all the way over in America! It really helps receiving all the love and well wishes I get everyday. I have incredible people in my life who at the drop of a hat will have my children or make me dinner or just let me know they are there ready and waiting to catch me. I came home yesterday and walked into a spotless flat! my best friend had been in!! It takes so much pressure off my shoulders. I have my second treatment on Wednesday and I know how rotten I am going to feel it's such a strange feeling dreading the thing that is going to save me. On the bright side that means I only have 2 treatments of the EC chemo left after that I go on another chemo drug which isn't as bad (so I've been told) I do 4 rounds of that then the surgery. I have always dreamt of having these bad boys off but I'm starting to dread that too, Inflammatory Breast Cancer takes everything that makes you a women! We don't get lumpectomy's we get mastectomy's. I get to go into menopause I will have to take oestrogen blockers for the rest of my life which is massive pressure cause I forget to breath sometimes I'm that forgetful!! Thankfully I don't have the mutant gene so my girls hopefully will never go through this themselves! I'm going to share the other thing thats non stop on my mind since the shave in song form. |
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