10/7/2017 8 Comments Ever heard of IBC?I actually had my next blog post written out, I sat in the sun with a beer while Kev lit his BBQ and the kids played and typed away quite happy. But I came home to a letter from the Marsden with my final diagnosis written in it. I have a very rare and aggressive cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer and its a cunt. Less then 1 in 10,000 breast cancers diagnosed are Inflammatory (0.2%) It's survival rate isn't great and that isn't me being defeatist its fact. From what I can work out it goes undiagnosed a lot because it looks like an infection. I have joined a support group and they helped me understand all the words and stuff. It seems I should respond well to treatment. Thats a positive for me. The thing I'm scared of most is my fight being taken away from me, I don't want 5-10 years I want a fighting chance at a whole life and I think I'm getting it. Those who know me know I like to be different I've never been one for following the crowds and being a rare find is something that brings me a lot of pride. However I could have coped with not having a rare cancer haha
I'm struggling with having children and cancer. I'm struggling with positivity, not to say I'm feeling negative. Its just the moment I start to have a little wobble about the fact I could die I get a cheer squad of positivity which is lovely but I need realism too. I need to be able to feel sad because I am sad. This is my mortality. No one wants me to live more then me! I will not throw in the towel and accept defeat. I will fight but I need to wobble too. As my Mum always says "it don't go in your boots lau' If strength and positive thoughts cured cancer no one would die from it. So let me cry let me feel sad because with out the lows I won't reach my highs. Of course I'm going to fuck this cancer up but I'm scared. I have to put a brave face on for my babies! Mia is 14, thats a bastard age anyway and now she's dealing with this. As a family we are struggling we are trying to be brave especially for Bertie (Effy cares nothing of anything) We were watching Moana for the 10000000 time and I welled up. I thought I don't want Moana to be to them what Mary Poppins is for me. Mary Poppins reminds me of my sister Lucy, she's dead. Along with my niece my cousin all my grandparents and a good selection of Aunts and Uncles as well as some family friends and also my own friends. Me and death have known each other for nearly 30 years I have been to over 30 funerals mostly family 4 of which were children. I choose for my glass to be half full. I choose to look on the bright side, I hunt out silver linings! I love life and living! I believe in the universe and god and I trust Mother Nature ! My friends are my passion my family is my everything. But I might die. I have to acknowledge that because I know death. It doesn't care if you have children. Death doesn't care what you eat or how you live its cruel and it has no rhyme or reason and it can not be ignored. That said you can't give in to death you have to give it a run for its money! I will never accept death as an option until I'm old and grey and have a Note Book moment with my Kev minus the Alzheimer's obviously! Just because I can accept it might happen doesn't mean I accept it will.
8 Comments
A little quote when you are feeling shitty
10/7/2017 12:54:54 pm
Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
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Lisa
10/7/2017 01:18:36 pm
I'm so sorry.
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Sue Whitfield
10/7/2017 01:23:07 pm
All your family can do is try and gee you along when really all they want to do is cry and rail against this hideous disease which doesn't give a fuck. Cry when you want to Laura its not a weakness scream rant rave do what ever you want. Live with this like you have lived with your life. Much love xxx
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Lorraine
10/7/2017 02:14:51 pm
Lau it made me cry reading this, But this isn't about me it's all about you ..It's ok not to be strong all of the time my darling.Don't forgot you have your very own army behind you in your friends and family fighting with you every step of the way xxxx
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Jessie J
10/7/2017 07:33:28 pm
It's okay not to be okay x
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Louise
11/7/2017 03:59:06 pm
Let those tears flow, then dry your face and keep that fight going. You are amazing, don't ever forget that! Xxx
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Helen
12/7/2017 04:07:31 am
I am so very sorry you have to join the IBC sisterhood. You are not alone - I'm across the ocean but fighting the same evil disease. I also have a 13 soon to be 14 year old daughter (whose teen attitude is off the charts) and a 9 year old son. Please keep in mind fighting this disease is like a marathon (and I hate running). Take care❤️
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Nicky Gortva
20/7/2017 09:26:14 am
Hi Lau Lau,
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