20/7/2017 9 Comments Enter..............Anger!There are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. Grief isn't just about losing a loved one grief is about losing anything, like your health. It's saying goodbye to who you were and leading you on a path that you have no idea where its going. I'm coming out of the 'I'll be fine stage' to the pissed off i'ma fuck the next person who tells me I'm strong enough for this up stage. Yes my friends I AM ANGRY! Not at any of you so apologies in advance if I snap at you hahahaha I'm going to need you all when the depression kicks in :) But I am pissed off to the maximum this horrid life threatening disease can happen at all let alone to me, my Kev and our 3 kids! I'm angry at what its doing to my Mum and Dad, I can see the gut wrenching fear hidden behind strong smiles. I'm angry its making my brothers eyes water every time they see me. I am so angry My beautiful Mia can't be protected from this like a child because she is 14 and understands it all. We all watched Beaches growing up right? I always saw myself as Bette Midler! The glass half full clown that gets lost in the magic of the world but brings it back when she needs to and becomes the person we all wanna be but no I'm the fucking sap sitting on the decking with cancer! I don't even know her bloody name because I'm meant to be Bette Midler!!!! I'm that angry. I had my first Chemo on Monday, it was very straight forward nothing to write home about really. Mum and Kev came with me. Nurse Daisy was a star. Tuesday was fine but yesterday was bad, its very hard to explain I'm burning hot all the time I have a fan on me at all times or I wilt like a precious tulip! It's ridiculous because I am a control freak! I'll admit it. I look after people (or just tell them what to do because I'm freakishly right about most things - Opinionator) I am never the patient or the broken I'm the fixer and I proud of that, I've been through enough in my life to qualify me to help. I like to help. It helps me grow and be happy!! Cancer does not make me happy and it's so hard. Once I'm through this Chemo I'm going into surgery and because of the I.B.C its major surgery. I'm going to have to train my babies not touch me while I'm healing. When I see Lula or Ruby they won't be able to run up to me shouting LauLau arms out stretched for hug! I'm not that LauLau anymore Im the sap sitting on the decking looking all frail like you'd break me if you touched me. This is however all in my head now! I might heal really well and hug all the kids I want (not strangers kid obvs) All of the unknowing is making me Angry. I'm scared to ask for assurances incase I don't get them and I'm thinking ignorance is bliss! But in fairness to my Doctors they only ever talk about the future and repeat I am curable. Which I didn't even know was possible! Massive shout out to the Royal Marsden and their brilliant staff. I have never left that place feeling shit I walk out feeling very positive then I get in my own head and make it all 10000000 times worse. Thankfully I have this blog and you guys reading my rambles. I started writing this feeling angry with tears in my eyes and now I'm smiling! I better go take my anti sickness pills before the smile turns to puke!
9 Comments
Laura (Bella mum)
20/7/2017 07:50:02 am
This made me want to cry reading it. You word things so well hon. You got every right to be angry. Thinking of you so much. When you want baby cuddles let me know I'll be over xx
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Amo
20/7/2017 08:10:26 am
I love your words ❤ xxxx
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Tracy maddog
20/7/2017 08:19:13 am
It's ok to be angry Lau , 😘
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Karen
20/7/2017 10:12:52 am
Life is a rollercoaster...... just handle every bump that comes your way...... you will survive...... just hold on! xxxxxxxxxx
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Sue Whitfield
20/7/2017 10:19:08 am
Let it all out. This blog is amazing as are you....come out Bette we know you're in there xxxxxx
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Stuart
20/7/2017 10:30:13 am
❤
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Sandra Parmenter
20/7/2017 01:33:34 pm
It was Barbara Hershey but you are sooooo Bette Midler. Thinking of you all ❤️ Xx
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Maxine
20/7/2017 10:39:56 pm
When I was 26 I was diagnosed with kidney cancer my world fell apart my baby Stevie was only 2 months my Girls 3 and 5 I was angry. but I fought went through agony horrible operations and at every hospital appointment expected bad news. But not everyone dies , I am still here 31 years later so keep going Laura take each day as it comes , ask for support if you need it and keep sharing this amazing blog ❤️💋😘
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Olivia
23/7/2017 02:30:11 pm
Your blog is totally authentic, touching, funny, sad and uplifting all in one! I think you are a natural writer Laura!! All of your emotions are valid and needed for you to go through this process in whatever you need to! X x x
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