28/7/2017 5 Comments Mama's GirlChemo ruined me for 10 days!! It managed to find a different way everyday to fuck me! On Tuesday I had my eyebrow appointment with my wonderful friend Cher, I've got tattoos I'm not really a pain pussy so I didn't give much thought about the pain. BIG MISTAKE! Cher used the microblading technique which gives a natural looking brow, that was important to me as I don't draw my eyebrows on I have them waxed and tinted. Its very important to me that throughout this process I recognise myself. This cancer is taking so much of me I am clinging on to myself as much as I can. The chemo sadly had made my skin so sensitive it made the procedure nearly unbearable, even with numbing cream. Completely out of character I just broke down, full blown belly sobs. I was so angry and upset. All I wanted was to feel good about myself and that was made nearly impossible!! I never cry like that in front of people, poor Cher got it full force! I didn't realise until after how much I needed to have that moment and I'll probably have more of them! At least now I won't be scared to let it out!! With my new sexy as fuck eyebrows I packed up the kids and Dad dropped us down the van with my Mum. I can't remember the last time it was just me and Mum! I've never been one to sit there and be looked after, ironically I've never been a sicky person, even my births were good and I didn't need help recovering I just get on with things but I can't do that anymore. I'm basically a child again relying heavily on my Mum. During one of our many heart to hearts she had said how useless she felt and it broke my heart for her. I am the fierce Mama I am because of her, I am everything I am because of her! And for us to feel helpless is quite possibly THE worst we can feel! The realisation there is nothing you can do to fix your child must be the hardest thing to accept. My Mum is a powerhouse of strength but I know she would rather not be, I finally understand how it feels to be told 'You are so strong' and not feel empowered by it. You see, when its not your choice its hard to except the compliment in which it is intended. My Mum understands that so it easy just to order a curry and talk it out! The curry must have been magical because I slept well that night and woke up feeling almost normal! Could it be? A good day?????? YES!!!! So whats the first thing you do when your feeling ok?? Lidl and Home bargain obviously! Our darling friend Kerry came and picked us up! I was so excited to be out!! The day just got better and better, we took the kids up the club for the Wrestling and then.....got on the cocktails! I feel like anytime I have a good day and our Bev is around the cocktails will be got! I had the perfect day with people who love me. This is the most vulnerable time in my life, I have nothing to give anyone. I am my only priority and the people who love me most are the ones making me see that.
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20/7/2017 9 Comments Enter..............Anger!There are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. Grief isn't just about losing a loved one grief is about losing anything, like your health. It's saying goodbye to who you were and leading you on a path that you have no idea where its going. I'm coming out of the 'I'll be fine stage' to the pissed off i'ma fuck the next person who tells me I'm strong enough for this up stage. Yes my friends I AM ANGRY! Not at any of you so apologies in advance if I snap at you hahahaha I'm going to need you all when the depression kicks in :) But I am pissed off to the maximum this horrid life threatening disease can happen at all let alone to me, my Kev and our 3 kids! I'm angry at what its doing to my Mum and Dad, I can see the gut wrenching fear hidden behind strong smiles. I'm angry its making my brothers eyes water every time they see me. I am so angry My beautiful Mia can't be protected from this like a child because she is 14 and understands it all. We all watched Beaches growing up right? I always saw myself as Bette Midler! The glass half full clown that gets lost in the magic of the world but brings it back when she needs to and becomes the person we all wanna be but no I'm the fucking sap sitting on the decking with cancer! I don't even know her bloody name because I'm meant to be Bette Midler!!!! I'm that angry. I had my first Chemo on Monday, it was very straight forward nothing to write home about really. Mum and Kev came with me. Nurse Daisy was a star. Tuesday was fine but yesterday was bad, its very hard to explain I'm burning hot all the time I have a fan on me at all times or I wilt like a precious tulip! It's ridiculous because I am a control freak! I'll admit it. I look after people (or just tell them what to do because I'm freakishly right about most things - Opinionator) I am never the patient or the broken I'm the fixer and I proud of that, I've been through enough in my life to qualify me to help. I like to help. It helps me grow and be happy!! Cancer does not make me happy and it's so hard. Once I'm through this Chemo I'm going into surgery and because of the I.B.C its major surgery. I'm going to have to train my babies not touch me while I'm healing. When I see Lula or Ruby they won't be able to run up to me shouting LauLau arms out stretched for hug! I'm not that LauLau anymore Im the sap sitting on the decking looking all frail like you'd break me if you touched me. This is however all in my head now! I might heal really well and hug all the kids I want (not strangers kid obvs) All of the unknowing is making me Angry. I'm scared to ask for assurances incase I don't get them and I'm thinking ignorance is bliss! But in fairness to my Doctors they only ever talk about the future and repeat I am curable. Which I didn't even know was possible! Massive shout out to the Royal Marsden and their brilliant staff. I have never left that place feeling shit I walk out feeling very positive then I get in my own head and make it all 10000000 times worse. Thankfully I have this blog and you guys reading my rambles. I started writing this feeling angry with tears in my eyes and now I'm smiling! I better go take my anti sickness pills before the smile turns to puke! 14/7/2017 2 Comments Champagne SoireeWhen my baby cousins walked in to my Mums yesterday holding 2 bottles of Bollinger and a boxed 2008 Moet we had to have a champagne soiree to celebrate 'The Champagne soiree' as a family bound with pure love we watched a video from 2001 of our much younger selves singing dancing laughing and crying with a special lady, My Auntie Bol, Angie! An incredible women who found time for you. No matter what. She meant so much to us and I'm so grateful to her because I get my extended family and my strength. Angie had breast cancer but she fought it like the Warrior Queen she was and taught us all, everyone who knew her whether it was for 2 days or 2 decades knew just what a fight was! Chemo took its toll on her, and good days were not as plentiful but this day, this incredible random day she felt good. My Mum had champagne on ice waiting to get the nod. She was at Angies caravan door in her swimsuit and sarong and they began one of the best nights of my life. I learnt a lot that night, about friends and family but mostly I learnt I really liked vintage Champagne. We drank Pagham dry! There was no £9.99 lidl bottles back then it was nearly 40 bottles of the best Champagne most of us have and will ever drink! The generosity of the people who loved her was amazing and a true testament to Angie and what she meant to everyone. Sadly she passed away a year later. But that doesn't dampen my spirit, I have learnt very quickly Breast cancer comes in all different shapes and sizes, no 2 cancers are the same. Angie's strength strong is Whitney Houston Step by Step it is now my strength song. I start chemo on Monday and I am a mix of emotions, I'm excited to start my healing journey but I am shit scared of whats going to happen to me, I'm filled with guilt because my Effy girl will not be getting the best from me. I can't cope with prospect of not being able to look after her. But I do have the most amazing support network of friends and family so I should stop fucking moaning really!! I'm going down my caravan later and I might have to grab a £9.99 bottle of champagne from Lidl and toast my Angel, my Ange. Heres to many many many more soirees.....
10/7/2017 8 Comments Ever heard of IBC?I actually had my next blog post written out, I sat in the sun with a beer while Kev lit his BBQ and the kids played and typed away quite happy. But I came home to a letter from the Marsden with my final diagnosis written in it. I have a very rare and aggressive cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer and its a cunt. Less then 1 in 10,000 breast cancers diagnosed are Inflammatory (0.2%) It's survival rate isn't great and that isn't me being defeatist its fact. From what I can work out it goes undiagnosed a lot because it looks like an infection. I have joined a support group and they helped me understand all the words and stuff. It seems I should respond well to treatment. Thats a positive for me. The thing I'm scared of most is my fight being taken away from me, I don't want 5-10 years I want a fighting chance at a whole life and I think I'm getting it. Those who know me know I like to be different I've never been one for following the crowds and being a rare find is something that brings me a lot of pride. However I could have coped with not having a rare cancer haha
I'm struggling with having children and cancer. I'm struggling with positivity, not to say I'm feeling negative. Its just the moment I start to have a little wobble about the fact I could die I get a cheer squad of positivity which is lovely but I need realism too. I need to be able to feel sad because I am sad. This is my mortality. No one wants me to live more then me! I will not throw in the towel and accept defeat. I will fight but I need to wobble too. As my Mum always says "it don't go in your boots lau' If strength and positive thoughts cured cancer no one would die from it. So let me cry let me feel sad because with out the lows I won't reach my highs. Of course I'm going to fuck this cancer up but I'm scared. I have to put a brave face on for my babies! Mia is 14, thats a bastard age anyway and now she's dealing with this. As a family we are struggling we are trying to be brave especially for Bertie (Effy cares nothing of anything) We were watching Moana for the 10000000 time and I welled up. I thought I don't want Moana to be to them what Mary Poppins is for me. Mary Poppins reminds me of my sister Lucy, she's dead. Along with my niece my cousin all my grandparents and a good selection of Aunts and Uncles as well as some family friends and also my own friends. Me and death have known each other for nearly 30 years I have been to over 30 funerals mostly family 4 of which were children. I choose for my glass to be half full. I choose to look on the bright side, I hunt out silver linings! I love life and living! I believe in the universe and god and I trust Mother Nature ! My friends are my passion my family is my everything. But I might die. I have to acknowledge that because I know death. It doesn't care if you have children. Death doesn't care what you eat or how you live its cruel and it has no rhyme or reason and it can not be ignored. That said you can't give in to death you have to give it a run for its money! I will never accept death as an option until I'm old and grey and have a Note Book moment with my Kev minus the Alzheimer's obviously! Just because I can accept it might happen doesn't mean I accept it will. 3/7/2017 13 Comments The Inconvenience of cancer.This post has been quite hard to start. My life is now a hurdles race and I can't keep up. I have so much information I need to digest things to read, things to sign, I even had to go see the hospital photographer and bare my naked chest to a complete stranger. I bared my soul and my swollen painful bastard tumour filled breast but I did it the only way I know how, with a massive smile and inappropriate humour. I'm not very good at understanding things at the best of times, my Doctor went through treatment plans and all the reasons why I need this Chemo and all I could think was do what the fuck you want just keep me alive! I think its called survival mode but I always lived my life like that anyway. I am a Mum after all, anything but a full recovery and a long life is just not an option. I have to take this moment to apologise to my beautiful friends for not always getting back to your messages please know I appreciate you but understand every time I have to explain whats going on I feel like a fairy dies (like in hook) Its soul destroying and I fear for my soul. Thank fuck you all think I'm so strong because I have no choice but to believe that!! So heres what I know....I had bloods taken for a gene test, I'm such a geek when he said mutant gene I got a bit excited then realised this isn't The X Men and I do not under any circumstance want a mutant gene!! As I said before I had medical pictures taken. I have an appointment next Tuesday for blood tests, you have to have these at least a day before a chemo session when I remember why I'll let you know, I will then get an appointment either Wednesday Thursday or Friday for my first session of chemo, I get an anti sickness injection (fun) and anti sickness pills (more fun) and I'm probably going to get constipated (the fun never ends) I have fuck it attitude to life anyway and this will be no different, getting upset or scared will not make this bastard tumour pack up and leave for the circus. My children will not benefit from a weeping mess of a mother, I have to take this bull by the horns and humanly fuck it off (you know Im against animal cruelty even hypothetically) The thing that I'm finding the hardest is just how inconvenient cancer is! My catchphrase at the moment is 'who will have my kids' My dear friend Hayley has taken school run duties so Bert is covered but it just feels me with guilt because this is my cancer, my stupid inconvenient cancer and now its spilling over into my friends life. My Dad is my cabbie and my Mum is my au pair! I have hospital appointments coming at me thick and fast and all I can think is 'who will have my kids' 29/6/2017 8 Comments Did you have a lump?In short yes. A few years ago I had a lump which gave me no trouble but was checked out at the Royal Marsden Sutton. I was scanned and told there and then it was a fatty lump. Fast forward 3 years and a baby later, the fatty lump had vanished but what came in its place was a ragging mass that puckered my skin retracted my nipple and causes immense pain and burning. I also found my armpit was bulging too. At first I thought it was an abscess/mastitis hybrid and waited for it to go.....it didn't. I booked in with my G.P Dr Patel on Monday June 5th. He said he would refer me to the Royal Marsden. Wednesday June 7th I received my letter, my appointment was booked for Monday June 19th. I did go back to my G.P in-between as the pain and burning got worse, £17.20 worth of anti biotic's did nothing. I knew then it was Cancer. It feels different, to try and explain it would be like describing child birth to someone who hasn't had a baby.
My Darling Kev and I set off for the Marsden, he had an optimistic look on his face and I confidently smiled at him and said it'll be an infection. But I knew it wasn't. I knew my life was about to change. The doctor who did the ultra sound was lovely and very upbeat I had everything going for me, but her eyes changed when she scanned the lump over and over, now she knew too. It wasn't my secret anymore. She sent me for a mammogram by the time that had finished the nurse had got Kev from the waiting room and as soon as I sat on the bed. The words. The dreaded words. This isn't an infection, this is cancer. She then preformed 2 core biopsies of my breast and a FNA of my Lymph nodes. All the while this was happening I went into auto pilot and just thought of my kids. My beautiful Mia, handsome Bertie and my baby Effy. I had to wait a week for the results, but it flew by I had a day in the Marsden in-between, I needed a bone scan and a CT scan. Other then the cannula it was painless, they injected me with radioactive matter which meant 24 hours away from the kids so I did what most mothers do on a night off, I went to Pizza Express with my girlfriends Danielle and Lauren and drank Aperol Spitz! Results day. Monday June 26th. Its a bit of a blur so I will just share what I remember, yes its cancer, invasive ductal. Its in my lymph nodes. Bone scan and CT were clear which shows it hasn't spread but thats not to say rouge cancer cells aren't anywhere else they'd be too small to show on scans. I will need Chemotherapy to shrink lump so they can operate and remove lymph nodes. The Chemo will also zap any rouge cells. After all that I'll need Radiotherapy. I'm back at The Royal Marsden on Monday July 3rd and chemo should start the end of next week or early the week after. So there you have it, the story so far. Shit init! |
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