22/11/2017 2 Comments Hall of fame.....I have lost myself recently, somewhere in the darkest most helpless parts of my mind. I have been existing because I want to live even though I don't feel like I'm living. I flourished at the beginning, I was beaming with positivity and I glowed with the reflection of all the love I received. I never doubted my ability to beat the shit out this cancer. Then I got lost. Not only did I not recognise myself, I didn't recognise my feelings. I was caught up in physical health that I was ignoring my mental health. Cancer treatment is tricky, even when your results are good you are so beaten down my the Chemotherapy that you can't appreciate it. Imagine being given life saving surgery and just as the wound heals and you start to feel better they cut you open and stitch you up again. That's kind of what Chemo does the moment you start to feel human you are back in for a new cycle. The anxiety is immense and over whelming. It is so important that you are honest with yourself with how you are coping. Being the mother of 3 children the brave face is a permanent fixture. It is easy to get carried away in the make believe. Thankfully I am a talker, and by talking I saw my grip on my mental health was slipping. Thanks to some wonderful ladies on Instagram who freely talk about their health, physical and mental I was able to talk about and share mine. I have spoken to my Doctor and we have an appointment to discuss a possible treatment plan. Surgery is freaking me the fuck out and I am so battered by the chemo I need to go into it the strongest I can be. Just by knowing that it is all on the table has helped already. It's crazy to think within a year I could be cancer free! I didn't know that was a possibility like I didn't know I could be cured. There is so much information out there being spoken about my media loved faces learning some statistic and being our voice. Which is very annoying as I have a group of women who are experts in the field, they are incredible writers, speakers, supporters. We give honest 1st hand advice we teach you that giving your permission to not be ok is in no way giving up! Do not cry alone because you are not alone. There is a lot of sarcasm, dark jokes, pure love and respect. My experiences have been made so much better by having Lolli from Girlsvscancer who's brutally honest approach to guidance and support was spot on for me. So here I am in my chemo chair having my last chemo I'm chilled as fuck thanks to a little blue pill. My last chemo! can you even?????I couldn't be happier! I was really worrying how much more I could take, I'm a shell of a person who was smashing the shit out of this when in fact chemo has smashed the fuck out of me. I'm exhausted I'm in pain I am empty. But every now and again I get a little sign, someone somewhere does or says something that ignites the old me and it gets me excited. Yesterday someone put the put the lyrics of a song up, when Bert was little I would sing it to him but now I sing it to myself.
2 Comments
Karen x
23/11/2017 09:20:27 am
Darling no words just all my love hugs and prayers as always
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Karen Butler
26/11/2017 12:46:34 pm
Hi Laura
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