I have lost myself recently, somewhere in the darkest most helpless parts of my mind. I have been existing because I want to live even though I don't feel like I'm living. I flourished at the beginning, I was beaming with positivity and I glowed with the reflection of all the love I received. I never doubted my ability to beat the shit out this cancer.
Then I got lost. Not only did I not recognise myself, I didn't recognise my feelings. I was caught up in physical health that I was ignoring my mental health. Cancer treatment is tricky, even when your results are good you are so beaten down my the Chemotherapy that you can't appreciate it.
Imagine being given life saving surgery and just as the wound heals and you start to feel better they cut you open and stitch you up again. That's kind of what Chemo does the moment you start to feel human you are back in for a new cycle. The anxiety is immense and over whelming.
It is so important that you are honest with yourself with how you are coping. Being the mother of 3 children the brave face is a permanent fixture. It is easy to get carried away in the make believe.
Thankfully I am a talker, and by talking I saw my grip on my mental health was slipping. Thanks to some wonderful ladies on Instagram who freely talk about their health, physical and mental I was able to talk about and share mine. I have spoken to my Doctor and we have an appointment to discuss a possible treatment plan. Surgery is freaking me the fuck out and I am so battered by the chemo I need to go into it the strongest I can be. Just by knowing that it is all on the table has helped already.
It's crazy to think within a year I could be cancer free! I didn't know that was a possibility like I didn't know I could be cured. There is so much information out there being spoken about my media loved faces learning some statistic and being our voice. Which is very annoying as I have a group of women who are experts in the field, they are incredible writers, speakers, supporters. We give honest 1st hand advice we teach you that giving your permission to not be ok is in no way giving up! Do not cry alone because you are not alone. There is a lot of sarcasm, dark jokes, pure love and respect. My experiences have been made so much better by having Lolli from Girlsvscancer who's brutally honest approach to guidance and support was spot on for me.
So here I am in my chemo chair having my last chemo I'm chilled as fuck thanks to a little blue pill. My last chemo! can you even?????I couldn't be happier! I was really worrying how much more I could take, I'm a shell of a person who was smashing the shit out of this when in fact chemo has smashed the fuck out of me. I'm exhausted I'm in pain I am empty. But every now and again I get a little sign, someone somewhere does or says something that ignites the old me and it gets me excited. Yesterday someone put the put the lyrics of a song up, when Bert was little I would sing it to him but now I sing it to myself.
All my inspiration comes when I'm not near the laptop, I `have so much to write about but when I get the chance I can't seem to find the words.
Everyday is a struggle. I don't take as many pictures as I used to too either. I hardly go out any more which doesn't help, I do insta stories from my bed usually whilst being climbed on by my kids. And thats ok, thats where I am.
I have finished my EC chemo now which is crazy because it only seems like yesterday I was waiting for my chemo start date, all of sudden I'm 6 out of 8 down! 4 EC and 2 Taxol.
I had my second Taxol yesterday and experienced an awful reaction. I had a strong and strange feeing in my lower chest which as soon as I told the nurse she hit the button and I had my first taste of emergency medicine. Within seconds I was surrounded by the most well oiled team. They knew exactly what to do and say and although I was crying my eyes with pure fear I knew I was in good hands. I couldn't breath I was on fire and my lower back felt like it was in a vice but normality was restored in 5 minutes. I had an oxygen mask on I was doing ok but I felt my arm was still burning I started to panic and kept repeating 'my arm is on fire, my arm is on fire' to realise it was resting on the heat pack used to keep your veins open! So from hysterically crying to hysterically laughing was the best medicine. I had to wait half hour then I saw a doctors who checked me over to see if I was ok to restart treatment. At this point i just wanted to go home and come back tomorrow. I had had 2 failed cannulas which always puts me on a downer, I'm not sure why. I had to submerge my arms in hot water in the hall way which reminded me of an old school punishment I just needed a dunce cap! Then the reaction, I just wanted to go home chill out and come back the next day. Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that. They were to start me back on the same chemo I reacted too at a smaller and slower rate. My anxiety was through the roof, Kev had to leave work, I'm not usually a scaredy cat I prefer to deal with stuff on my own but I just wanted the security of my husband. The second bout of Taxol went fine, Ive been given medicine to take before my cycle to minimise the risk of it happening it again. I hope it doesn't this drug is doing amazing things for me and fucking up my cancer! I feel the difference myself, my tumour was 15cm by 10cm as well as the Inflammatory my boob was a right mess, it now looks normal again you can see where the Inflammatory starts and finishes too my nodes dont ache anymore and one has shrunk back to normal size too. As crappy as the chemo side effects are I thank my lucky stars everyday because for me its working. At this rate I will be cured cause Friday I'm in love x
I am finally feeling like a fighter. I am finally feeling like I can do this. I will be a survivor. The more I learn about IBC the more scared I get. Knowledge is power, right? But when your knowledge is IBC statistics it does not feel like power. It feels like an out of body experience, like your watching someone else's life.
BUT...it's working! The bastard chemo is only bloody working!
I'm writing this post from my chemo chair, I'm hooked up to a machine which is slowly administering a drug call Taxol into my arm. The side effects aren't meant to be as bad as the EC chemo but we will see.
I've never been to chemo on my own before I am so lucky to have amazing friends and family that offer their services but today I just fancied being on my own. It was really nice, well as nice as chemo can be. You meet other people who inspire you, you share tips and theories. You can moan and they just get it. I always thought it was going to be a sombre place where no one would interact, it's a very personal thing so I can totally understand that. I remember my first time in that hospital.
I thought to myself "I do not want to feel comfortable here', I was still struggling with my illness. But now I walk around with a smile, I know my way around, I know my routine and where I am meant to be and when. I have a loyalty card for hot drinks, the fry up is decent. It's not quite home and I hope it never feels like that, but it's warm and familiar, like a good friends house (minus the unlimited Prosecco, dancing on the sofas and cheese boards) I am just as thankful to the The Royal Marsden and her staff as I am my incredible friends. We are in this together and although the anxiety and loneness is ever present they all make this more bearable.
Last month was crazy, my last blog post opened a can of worms, but I am pleased that Mia is getting the support. The school did a fundraiser and we are all happy. That is all that matters right? Happiness and peace.
After my good news of shrinkage I am feeling very thankful, I will go to sleep with a smile (could be the painkillers)
Speaking to the women today I can't help but think we haven't got much of a voice. Awareness is so important, knowing the signs are a matter of life of death but I feel Elizabeth Hurley in all her beautiful botox glory going on Loose Women to talk about something she actually knows fuck all about doesn't actually help much. She had no facts or figures, they had had to talk to audience member to get the facts.
Speaking to people who have cancer and going to luncheons doesn't qualify you in all things Breast Cancer. There are so many strong intelligent eloquent Women and Men out there that can in better detail teach you how to check yourself and what to look out for. They can also tell you about the aftermath. If you are lucky enough to live that is. Your mental health, the early menopause, arthritis, thats just some of the things you have to live with after the cancer. It doesn't stop with an all clear. Prevention will always be the most important thing, but I feel like I walked into this blind. It is only by finding the most amazing women on Instagram that I know what my future is looking like. I get my strength for their stories. With out sounding like a spoilt child, I think less time needs to be spent thanking celebs for uttering the word Cancer and get real people with cancer to front campaigns.
Spoil Cancer patients and learn valuable advice and learn first hand what is it really like. I have been so lucky to have been invited to a Afternoon Tea on friday by the Beauty that is Emma Thatcher from A Style Album (link below), she hooked me up with Elemis who in turn sent me the most amazing Special Edition Breast Cancer Awareness cream. I instantly thought "YES! They get it' 'Em gets it'
It could have been sent to a celeb with a massive following but they sent it to me, and I know I'm lucky not everyone gets what I have but I'm eternally grateful. It has ignited something in me, I have a conversation I need to start. So many people are doing incredible things at the moment for cancer awareness, but old Liz Hurley is still the face. I know she has help raised a lot of money over the years I am not knocking her at at, but back to loose women quickly, the panel seemed to have no idea 90% of women are being be cured! Yes CURED!! I didn't know I could be cured until I got cancer. Sadly a lot of people are past the curable stage which is why I feel that real people with real cancer who detected theirs early enough or even people who maybe ignored vital signs are the future of the Cancer Awareness Education Program!!
Thanks to social media, we have our own voice now our own communities we are helping each other without celebrity. We are each others biggest fan. We are an incredible force of nature and together we can do something great.
One women in particular is not only a total babe but an inspiration! She kicked the shit out of breast cancer, but her story doesn't end there. Lauren is sharing the aftermath with us. She is a game changer world leader! Her Insta name is girlstolelondon and she has started her tit-tee campaign (link below)
I'm in a girl gang I have never met and I'm empowered. I am a fighter and I will survive.
So life is pretty crappy, we all know this. Its why I'm writing this and why your reading it. In every aspect of my life people are going above and beyond to help me and my family. It is human nature.
Imagine my horror when I found out my eldest was being put on break and lunch time detentions! Has she been caught smoking? caught bunking? being violent? rude? not doing her work?
No. Mia was being punished because her hair is pink. Even tho when she started back at the beginning of September it was discussed and after she explained why she had pink hair it didn't seem to be a problem. Her pink hair was for me. I didn't want her shaving her head so we compromised on pink hair. It made her very happy. Its not bright or in your face its a very pale almost blonde pink.
3 weeks later 2 male teachers have decided Mia has to dye her hair a natural colour. Her hair is naturally very blonde. Am I right in thinking to satisfy a Wizard of Oz style headmaster who is far too important to communicate directly with parents, I'm to dye my daughters hair jet black? bright orange? or do I allow him to pick what natural colour she should go?
I had to email him via an assistant to explain why her hair was pink and that she must not be punished instead he should use this as an opportunity to praise my daughter for her courageous attitude and also use this to reach out to other student who maybe suffering. There has to be other pupils who have gone through or are going through this. There are 1,000000 Mums in this country fighting cancer so imagine how many children are being affected. Surely this is the bigger picture? Surely the fact my daughter expressing herself and being vocal about whats going on is the most important thing. How many children are suffering in silence? Not wanting to burden their parents with their fears?? How could a grown arse man entrusted with our children not see the bigger picture? How could he not jump on this and make sure the right help and support was being giving to his students? As long as Ofsted give them a good write up who cares what that children feel.
I did get a reply from Mr Hume via his assistant. He said he was sorry I had cancer but I should have given the school prior notice and they would have included it in their fundraising event.
He apologised for any further distressed caused.
I didn't reply to that email. It was cold and condescending, I'm suffering terribly from chemo brain at the moment too so I wanted to wait untill I was feeling better.
The next day Mia was approached by her head of year who took her to Mr Hume and another male teacher. She was told that she was to be placed on breaks and lunches and that the ball was left in her Mums court. Which upset her because she knew how much I had been suffering with the chemotherapy sickness. A simple thing like sending an email is so hard for me at the moment.
They didn't ask her how she was feeling. They didn't ask if there was anything she needed. How her lessons were going? Not even, 'if it gets too much my door is always open'.
No, all they could say to 14 year girl crying her eyes out was 'I just don't see why you cant dye it'
I'm sure they are very sorry I have cancer not as sorry as I am I entrusted my daughter into their care.
We have been engaged for a good few years now so marriage was on the cards. But the Big C gave me the kick up the arse to get it done. It wasn't what I envisioned but it turned out to be as close to perfect as it could be. It was planned in 4 weeks so it had to be small and as inexpensive as possible so we booked our local Registry Office and talked our favourite Italian restaurant to open just for us! I didn't plan an evening I wanted to do that at a later date and invite all the people we love but couldn't fit at the wedding. I brought my dress online in the ASOS sale I got bridesmaids dresses from Matalan and borrowed Mias from my friend. Kevs suit was a Topman number that matched my Monsoon shoes. I think the less time you have to plan the easier it is, less time to obsess over the small stuff. My beautiful bouquet was a gift from Hayley and Carl our witness'. It was made by the amazing Claire at Redlipstick Flowers. We borrowed bird cages from Odette for the restaurant and decorated it with trinkets from Lolsys house. It was very much all hands on deck. The only brief I gave was think Kwiksave its a NO FRILLS wedding but with Danielle sorting the flowers, it was anything but NO FRILLS. It was stunning and everything I never knew I wanted. The only downside was I could only have 40 guests so I didn't speak about the wedding and I found myself avoiding people for the guilt. But all I have had is love from everyone. They all love me enough to understand why I needed this shotgun wedding. Not that we like speaking about it, but the truth is I wanted...needed to get married asap incase I don't get the chance to be his wife. In an ideal world I would have had more guests a different venue a different dress even. But this is my world and it was perfect. Having Cancer is teaching me what is important and not to sweat the small stuff. You just have to take the bull by the horns and not wait for a future that isn't promised. Today is what matters.
I chose not to wear a wig on the big day, which is a very personal thing. Looking at the pictures 100% hair would have looked better but my hair. God I loved my hair and I've learned to love my bald too so I just dressed it up in a beautiful flower crown. I love flowers. I always knew I needed my sister with me on my wedding day thankfully the white rose is her birth flower so with some Gypsophila which is nick named babies breath to represent my niece Grace buttonholes were made. My Mum, Dad and brothers all wore them and Kevs Mum Grandad and his Grooms party wore a rose called Marie which was his Nans name. His little sisters were Bridesmaid. Everything was personal. I'm a very thoughtful person little things mean the most to me.
I would like to thank Katie Davies of Gingernut with a camera for your time and the most amazing gift I've ever been given. My wedding photos. These are only a sneak peak so I know you have gone above and beyond. Olivia Cayley for gifting us our makeup! You made my me and my daughter look and feel amazing!
Hannah Shapley for gifting my Mums make up! She looked beautiful. Mel the owner of Billinis on Worcester Park High Street, thank you for letting us take over you restaurant and for producing the most amazing food. Hayley Baker thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done since this bastard cancer has arrived. I honestly don't know what we would do with out your OCD organising skills.
Basically thank you to everyone that loves us for all the big things you do and also thank you to everyone of you that sends a message or likes a picture. It warms my heart to be thought of.
To feel lucky when you have what I have is a gift.
Cycle 3 is done and dusted. My lord it was awful, I was popping anti sickness tablets like smarties! Feeling sick and never being sick is torturous. My veins hurt, my head hurts and I'm exhausted. On the plus side my tumour and some lymphs have shrunk so this bastard chemo is working. This bastard chemo is keeping me on my path of a cancer free future. In the scheme of things it's a small price to pay for a life, that's what I tell myself over and over as to not fall into the pit of self pity and despair. Thanks to the wonder of social media I have at my fingertips access to a whole host of women, fighting or fought and won against cancer. I am not alone. With all the love and support in the world it's shocking at just how alone you feel. When your awake at 3am with a racing mind and the weight of the world on your shoulders trying so hard to sleep because you really want to be able to look semi ok for your kids in the morning, you just feel alone. This made me think I wonder if he feels alone? He leaves every morning for work, all the while he is there he's worrying about me because he sees how I feel. He comes home and he has to pick up the slack, I feel like a lazy Princess propped up in bed watching Netflix surrounded by utter devastation and he doesn't moan he kisses me and disappears into the kitchen to sort dinner and the kids. To look at me I look quite well, I 100% look well enough to do that washing up and sort the over spilling laundry basket out. But I'm not. Standing up makes me feel like I've just got off a waltzer. I have no strength I keep losing my breath. Doing absolutely nothing is the only way I can feel normal. He gets that. He is happy when I'm feeling normal. Even if that means living in a shit tip. I'm very fortunate my best friend owns a cleaning company. I would recommend if you know someone with cancer get them a voucher from a good local cleaning company, so when they are in the chemo haze of hell on earth they can get a good spring clean! It takes the pressure off and that is the best thing you can do for someone battling to live.
My cousin gifted us John Legend tickets, a very rare date night! We were very excited, the week before I ended up in a&e and they admitted me for fear of an infection. I had never felt so ill in my life. Lying in that hospital bed I thought how on Earth am I going to get to the o2? Walking to the toilet was hard enough. But because I am lucky enough to be able to do nothing I recovered. Last night we drove to the o2, I pre-booked a parking space (best £22 I've ever spent) I love driving with Kev, we love old buildings and houses, driving through new areas trying to work out the years things were built. Its rare not have the children in the back demanding anything and everything. We got to sing John Legend and add 100 more places to the 'Restaurants we'd like to eat at' list. We parked right next to o2, popped into all bar 1 cued in the wrong cue walked 15 minutes to the right cue and finally got to our seats hugged my little cousin who had also cued in the wrong cue.....says a lot about us doesn't it!
On came Mr Legend in all his piano playing glory! Kev had never been there before so he was soaking it all in. We had amazing seats, which as fate would have it was right above the box we had for the Spice Girls many years ago, the night I met a girl who became my life long friend. It felt like a big warm hug.
Do you ever have a moment when you listen to a song and it really gets to you? The lyric could have been written for you? We both had a moment when Love me now came on 'Who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone?' I looked at the love of my life and he is fighting back the tears. No matter how hard you try you cannot escape reality, it always finds you. So Kev I'm gonna love you now, like its a all I have x
My Baby Boy turned 5, I have no idea where those 5 years have gone! With everything thats happening I didn't plan a party or any of the other little things I normally would as I never know how I am going feel. Thanks to my Mum and Kerry I managed to throw a little after noon tea party for him and he had the best day. My day was over shadowed by a cloud, well more like a thunderstorm of anxiety deafening me with it claps of 'what if i don't make his 6th birthday' I'm usually very good at pulling myself out of that dark place but I find it nearly impossible when I think of my children losing me. It's really getting to me and I hold it in because the fear I feel is a physical grip on my wind pipe and it is strangling the life out of me.
Thankfully I have the most amazing people around me. Kevin always brings me back with his love, I'm not in this alone. This is our fight we share everything in life and that includes the pain and fear. Despite the thunderstorm nearly ruining my day I did have a moment where I looked round at my family and friends and sighed a little 'we've got this' I looked at my boy in all his birthday glory and my heart melted. My children bring me so much happiness, I am a very lucky lady.
I had had a few Kir Royales so obviously that means we go to the club house! Pretty sure it was my bright/stupid idea to get the pink sambucas in.......
In true embarrassing parent style we all got the dance floor making complete tits out of ourselves. Being women tho we know our limit-ish and sat out the boys version of whoops up side your head and Saturday night!! And then the most cliché cringe beautiful full of love moment happened. Fight Song came on. Like a scene out of a shit movie we all sang it at the tops of our lungs meaning every word more then we've meant anything in our lives. Even tho everyone was very merry it was just perfection and completely what I needed! I needed to rival the loudness of my own thoughts and I did!! I do have a lot of fight left in me.
This week has been full of firsts. The thing that blows my mind is I never feel how I thought I would. The day I went for my wig fitting I had an idea in my head that I'd pick something funky and bit outrageous. I'm used to having crazy hair and assumed I'd use this hairless opportunity to be just as creative. We tried a few different styles and colours but it was a brunette fringed bobbed wig that won. I have been that colour and had that haircut. It wasn't what I had when I lost my hair it had been nearly 5 years ago after having Bertie but it felt familiar, like an old friend. I was completely overwhelmed, I couldn't register how I was feeling. I put my head scarf back on and we left.
When I showed the kids my new wig Bertie asked has your hair grown back now? The disappointment in his face when I said no was hard to take. I'm comfortably bald at home and in front of my friends and family and I actually really like my head scarves. What I wasn't anticipating was just how self conscious the wig made me. We had gone shopping and I had a bit of a funny turn so I took my scarf off and sat in the car once I felt better I went in another shop with Mum with nothing on my head. Apart from a few sympathetic looks no one battered an eyelid. I was shocked at how ok I felt about it, I just bared my soul and head and it was ok. I felt good.
The next day we went out for lunch and I thought I'd wear my wig, I had done bald in public so lets get the wig out of the way! Again if I had to guess how I would have felt in this situation I would have put money on me never going bald in public and being most comfortable in my wig. From the moment I put the wig on I was on high alert. I was worried it would be itchy or hot but it wasn't it was actually really comfortable. Sadly I didn't feel comfortable I felt more vulnerable and exposed then I ever have being bald. It was so hard to explain how I was feeling as yet again my feelings were the total opposite of what I thought they would be. Everyone complimented me and I know myself its a good wig BUT why did I feel so sad? Why am I more comfortable being bald? A teary heart to heart with Mum that night led me to the answer. I have just accepted I am ill. I have accepted my baldness. The wig made me feel like I was hiding that.
I've been without the trusty laptop for over a week so I've been in my own head more then I like to be. Cycle 2 is done and dusted and has brought a new set of issues to me. Cycle 1 I was just so ill and HOT!! This time less hot more exhausted and emotional, the less I can do the more emotional I am and not having a writing outlet didn't help. Yes I could have taken pen to paper but my words don't flow as easily.
In my pit of despair of feeling very sorry for myself, which I am allowing myself I also had some incredible things happen. Joy and love can still be present even when your feeling really shitty! Good things are happening and I am feeling blessed.
Like most families money is tight we have 3 children and it can get hard so I thought I'd look for an evening job, well imagine how I felt when I realised I am actually good for nothing. From a little girl I always knew I wanted to be a Mum and a wife. I was told 'is that all?' I couldn't understand how a job I held so high in regard was seen as less then my worth. I didn't do very well at school, I never really settled anywhere. I attended a nursery 3 separate primary school and 2 high schools, I went under the radar and no one really got to know me...or my love of writing. I never read a book at school but when I left and got a job I noticed all the commuters had books so wanting to be a real adult I took myself to Waterstones and it began! I am no mastermind of literature but I know what I like and enjoy it. That is the key, to always enjoy it. I never understood people who live and die by one thing when the human mind is so big and beautiful. Thats why I've always been a different, my mind is an ever changing prism of shapes and colour. I have an ability to always find the silver lining. I will continue that in my cancer battle. Yes I am angry but I can't let that consume me so I will celebrate and worship all those who have fallen to this disease all who have beaten it and all that are fighting it!! I'll give thanks in a backwards way to this cancer for allowing me to start this blog, I love writing it and I love that people like to read it. When I'm poorly my Instagram is my portal to the world my stories keep me sane and I don't feel lonely. People are reaching out to me, my friends are supporting me my family are carrying me! This isn't a private battle this is a public war! When I roll a head scarf and apply my red lips I'm in warrior mode. I feel fierce. Doors are opening not closing.
I'm still unsure who that is in the mirror but I like her and I'm getting used to the new me. I am so blessed for that.
It's off and I'm officially a cancer patient, no hiding it now. Not that I tried to hide it but up until the shave I looked well. It made it very real for me and my loved ones. I really wanted it to be a happy as it could be day I wanted my children there. Unfortunately Mia is on holiday with her Dad at the moment so she got sent a picture. Poor little Lamb it's so much for her to accept and take in but she's surrounded by love, I cant ask for more then that. It's very comforting having the full support of your ex's family. Big love to the Bewicks!!
The day it's self was as near to perfect as I could have hoped for. We popped the Champagne at 11am and the sun was shining. There is no sky like a Pagham sky. The caravan is my happy place, it's the only place I ever really want to be, my friends know that between March and October I'm away most weekends the half terms and the whole 6 weeks. My Auntie Marg and Uncle Peter brought a van on Church Farm there over 30 years ago I have loved it all my life. The original Champagne soiree was there. My brothers and Mia grew up there, learnt to swim and ride bikes. I've eaten some of the best food there...I could bore you senseless with all the things I love but the sense of community is my favourite thing. The funny thing is we all live pretty close to each other but we all love the caravan so we do our socialising there!
My shave day will be another amazing memory and one I will hold close to my heart. I had people who I was comfortable with to share this awful experience. I had arranged for Rory the Tiger to come to the van to cheer the kids up. Choosing to go bald for someone you love like my Mum and little brother Jack has done is extremely brave having no choice is just that. Some women get to keep their hair and a cold cap was offered but I knew from my support group I would lose mine. So I started to plan in my head how and when I would like to do it and thanks to My amazing Bev, Uncle Karl, my darling friend Lauren they sorted it. Kev did what he does best and got on the BBQ. Kerry brought Cherry Bakewell cake Mandy didn't stop clearing up and boiling the kettle. All hosting duties were taken away from me so I could truly relax and prepare myself. My friend Lolsy came down the day before and I was so happy she got to be with me as she ended up with the clippers. Kevin was due to do it but I could see he was fighting the tears, the realisation was sinking in to him as well. We know I have IBC but like I said I looked so well. Mum and Dad were on video call and so we began. Everything was going so well until Bertie came out and saw. I have explained to him several times what was going to happen but he is only 4. He really cried which made me really cry. My worst fear in life is not being able to protect my children and that fear came to life when I got my diagnosis that fear will continue through out my treatment and surgery. Effys earliest memories and possibly only memories of me are going to be of me sick. I hate that. I hate that much so much it's very hard not to let that hate consume me. It's very hard not to break. I love living so much. It really does help knowing I'm not alone. There is a small IBC community and amazingly thanks to Insta I've found 2 absolute goddesses all the way over in America! It really helps receiving all the love and well wishes I get everyday. I have incredible people in my life who at the drop of a hat will have my children or make me dinner or just let me know they are there ready and waiting to catch me. I came home yesterday and walked into a spotless flat! my best friend had been in!! It takes so much pressure off my shoulders. I have my second treatment on Wednesday and I know how rotten I am going to feel it's such a strange feeling dreading the thing that is going to save me. On the bright side that means I only have 2 treatments of the EC chemo left after that I go on another chemo drug which isn't as bad (so I've been told) I do 4 rounds of that then the surgery. I have always dreamt of having these bad boys off but I'm starting to dread that too, Inflammatory Breast Cancer takes everything that makes you a women! We don't get lumpectomy's we get mastectomy's. I get to go into menopause I will have to take oestrogen blockers for the rest of my life which is massive pressure cause I forget to breath sometimes I'm that forgetful!! Thankfully I don't have the mutant gene so my girls hopefully will never go through this themselves! I'm going to share the other thing thats non stop on my mind since the shave in song form.